Tales of the depot.....

Saturday was not just another day at Office Depot. Saturday was a BIZARRO day at Office Depot.

1. I arrive at 2 PM, jump on a register, ready with my wide customer service smile. The first customers arrive with a myriad of random office supplies that they want to purchase with a gift card. They are ratty looking old farts, and I only say this now because I learned to dislike them.

"Sir, your total's gonna be $64. 39"
"Ok, what about the other 61 cents?"
"Um.....excuse me?"
"DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND ENGLISH????? I SAID, WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 61 CENTS?????"

Of course, I have no idea what he's talking about. At this very moment, the other cashier randomly walks out the front door for a smoke break, and 3 extra customers jump in my line.

"Sir, the total is $64.39. I honestly dont......"
"LISTEN!!!! I have 65 dollars on my gift card. I want the other 61 cents back in CASH!"
"I can't..."
"I know you can't do that. That's how you guys screw people over"

Just then, the customer behind the morons I'm helping says, "Hey, I got somewhere to go! Can I pay you a dollar to finish this up?"
"No sir, I want Office Depot's money, not your money" The old fart turns back to me and says "What can I buy in here that's exactly 61 cents?"

At this point I'm expecting MTV cameras to pop out and say "You've been Punked, Brandon Bunch!" or something of that ilk. However, no sign of Ashton Kutcher around.

"Well, the reeces peanut butter cups are fift...."
"I'M ALLERGIC TO CHOCOLATE!!!!"

Basically, this dude and I bickered for 2 more minutes, and then I got him to purchase a single highliter. His frustrated-but-obviously-used-to-it wife paid me the extra quarter. As they walked out, the man made sure to let me know that "The only reason why we buyin from you folks is yalls put ev'one else out of business" and proceeded to storm out angrily.

The next customer was no nicer, frustrated with the slow pace of the line rather than understanding the obviously silly situation I was put in. He remarked, "they need to hire some people that know what they're doin" and walked out in a frustrated manner as well.

2. Of course, the day wasn't all bad. It was just strange. Around 4:32 PM, a nerdy, milton-esque older gentleman came to my register to buy some ink cartridges.

"Wonderful, sir. With tax, that'll be $21.74."

.........vacant stare in my direction..............

"Sir, is it ok if i swipe your card?"

............"um"............"Yeah, um, sorry, I was just distracted by your bright blue eyes."

Obviously confused by that statement, I respond with, "um.......what?"

"Well, your blue eyes sparkle when you're wearing that blue shirt and, uh, it just catches me...they're just so big and beautiful......so how long have you worked here.....?"

It's nice to recieve compliments from anyone. But that unkempt, overweight, gentleman kind of creeped me the shit out. My boss, I noticed, was standing behind the customer and laughing his ass off. Within 5 minutes, every single co-worker had asked me about my new boyfriend.

3.
It's 9:35. We close at 9. However, these 2 guys are giving Nicole, the other cashier, a hell of a time. Nicole is up-selling them a performance protection plan on a Hewlett Packard PSC
(Printer-Scanner-Copier). These guys asked her about 30 questions, all pretty rudely, and then basically said something like "can you direct me to someone that knows what the fuck they're talking about?"

(not sure if that's how they put it, but fuck was definitely somewhere in the sentence, and it was in a very unfriendly tone)

I proceed to explain the functions of the performance protection plan in the same way that she did, almost word for word. I guess since I'm a man, they decided I must know what I'm talking about (its strange, but customers refuse to ask tech questions to women, and when they do, they often distrust what the female sales associate says). They asked me what the interest rate was on the plan, and I explained that we replace the product at cost from the moment they bought it. They proceeded to tell me that they didn't believe me, that there was going to be an interest rate, that's how all the corporations get you. I was about to fucking tell them "well, don't get the plan then, just buy the damn printer"....

I went to take care of some tasks, and came back in a few minutes to see the guys giving Nicole shit. It's now 9:40, and everyone wants to go home.

"Guys, is everything straight? Is this gonna be OK for you?"
"NO, but WE'LL take it"
"OK, well are there any problems I can help you with"
"No, there aint nothin".....and then they proceeded to bitch toward Nicole more about their anti-office-depot conspiracy theories.

"Sir, if you're done this purchase, we're closing..."
"Now, listen. We gonna buy this, but let me tell you somethin. If this shit ain't perfect, if this don't work for any reason, you know what we gonna do?"
"Um....what"
"I'll tell you what we're gonna do. We gonna put it right back in the car and take it right back to you. We ain't playin"
"Well, sir, that's completely fine"
"Well, that's not fine, because we ain't gonna take it if we don't like it and..."
"Listen, that's why we have a return policy. It's OK. " I started to be condescending toward them at this point, because it was better than murdering them. "If you don't like it, return it. That what a return policy is. "
"You better let us return it"
"14 days. It's a 14 day return policy"
"Oh, we'll be back tomorrow"
"Alright, well, I'll see you tomorrow then".....and I walked them out the door. Of course, I would not see them tomorrow, due to the store being closed on Easter. However, I greatly anticipate a mind-numbing conversation with them Monday morning. I'm shivering with joy.

4. After that day from hell, my boss proceeded to tell me, in closing, that payroll is majorly cutting everyone's hours, but also proceeded to tell me that my hours will stay the same because i'm one of the hardest-working and most reliable employees around. That felt good after getting shit from everyone. I went home and talked on the phone to friends for a few hours, and fell asleep, comfy and free of crazy office equipment buyers.